Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
