i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
My vagina is officially offended.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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