Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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