Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
