just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
the day after is always just damage control
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize