He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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