so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
