I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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