there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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