haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I could have mohawked her pubes.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
It's never too late to be topless.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
