shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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