I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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