Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Randomize
