bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
