i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
