Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
