wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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