Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
