I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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