We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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