just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
