Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
They have beer where we have blood.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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