Will you blow on my dice?
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
This baby is an asshole
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Randomize