So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
