Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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