i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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