Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
