you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
