Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize