Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
