the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Randomize
