I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
