I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
