I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
