party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
