His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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