I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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