What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
