Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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