I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
