hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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