I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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