Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
