I didn't shave. On purpose
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Randomize
