Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
