captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
