i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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