when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
