I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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