Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize