Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
