Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
