Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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