The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Randomize
