I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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