Your mouth is God's brothel.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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