it's like heaven, but drunker
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
