I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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