I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
