I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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