She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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