Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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